


you feel so angry (just because you are you)

by Forestgreengirl



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Are Twins, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Needs a Hug, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Roman said it’s his turn on the angstbox, THIS IS SO DRAMATIC, identity crisis, morality crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26854090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forestgreengirl/pseuds/Forestgreengirl
Summary: And he realises, that even in the end; Remus could be so much more, yet Roman will never be more than he is.or(Roman has well moved past having a midlife crisis or something, and is now just having an ongoing crisis about Remus, his identity, and his morals.)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Light Sides & Roman
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	you feel so angry (just because you are you)

**Author's Note:**

> la la la

Some days, when Roman looks into the mirror; it’s not him that stares back.

Well it is, but it isn’t. Because Roman is red- 

_ (-red, red and golden and good, and he's not like Remus, he’s Not. But he’s red like metalic blood, and red like death, and decay and he’ll never escape that-) _

-and Remus is green-

_ (-green, green and black like poison and hurt and so much pain, but he’s green like grass, and trees, and maybe they aren’t so different after all-) _

-and some days Roman looks around him and wonders whether the other sides look at him and just see Remus, see his twisted, sharp-tongued, and so so  _ lonely  _ brother-

( _ -it would almost be funny, that Remus is as lonely with the Dark Sides as Roman is with the Light Sides; and isn’t that just ironic? That the last time Roman didn’t feel lonely, when he last felt whole, was when Thomas didn’t know the difference between good and evil-)  _

-Because some days Roman’s mind muddles itself, his thoughts twisting inside him like something rotten, like something inside him had cracked and shattered and he wasn’t sure how to piece it back together. 

Logan calls it burnout. 

Roman is pretty sure there’s just something broken about him. 

Roman wonders sometimes, whether he was ever meant to be the good twin, whether he switched something between him and Remus, because Remus for how fucked up his mind is, how disturbing his words; Remus has never been cruel, never had the stomach it. He can be as gruesome in front of peoples eyes, but he’s never truly been able to cut into somebodies soul; not like Roman. Roman who’s always worn cruelty and arrogance as a shield.

Roman wonders if he’s even real. 

The others glance at him through annoyed, and worried eyes, and call him ‘controlling’, and ‘arrogant’, and too  _ damn  _ dreamy.    
  
Roman’s worries that if he exhales, even for a moment, they’ll know about the rot under his skin, and the hatred in his eyes. 

Roman knows the story of Romulus and Remus, knows the words down to his core, like the story has been carved into his bones; and he wonders if that will be their fate. Because contrary to popular belief, sides can die, and Roman hates his brother, hates him, and loves him, and everything in between but he never wants to be the reason Remus is dead, no matter what he says-

_ (-Roman can’t lose Remus, he hates him, but Remus is the only one who understands the gaping hole inside of him-) _

_ - _ Sometimes the lines between Roman and Remus blur so firmly, and its like looking into a funhouse mirror, and seeing something distorted staring back at you. 

Sometimes, it doesn’t even feel like theres a difference between him and Remus; and is that the truth of it all? No matter how much Roman does  _ good _ , no matter how much he teaches himself to  _ care,  _ how much he bends himself into something resembling human, something worth  _ admiring, and caring about _ ; he’ll never be more than a cheap imitation of  _ good.  _

So he swallows it, he swallows down everything he’s feeling, until it’s barely even noticeable. 

He learns to ignore the aching in his chest after a while, learns to ignore the impulse to  _ break,  _ learns to ignore how he feels like he’s splitting apart everyday; he wonders whether it’s possible to smash into smaller pieces than he already has.

And then Deceit starts showing up, with his sharp tongue, and cunning eyes; showing up in shades of yellow, and green and black, with honey-covered words and sarcastic mutterings and it’s not just Virgil that gracelessly falls apart. 

Because Deceit looks at Roman like he _knows,_ like he knows the consuming loneliness inside him, knows how _terrified_ Roman is of his reflection, of his power, of his _hands,_ like he’s cracked Roman’s soul open and saw everything rotten inside; and Roman can never forget that Deceit is Remus’s best friend for a reason. 

Roman feels a moment of solidarity everytime Deceit shows up after that first time, out of all of the light sides, Virgil is the person who would understand his dislike of the snake-side-

_ (-Roman wants to tear his own skin off everytime he remembers how easily Deceit was able to manipulate him, hates to think that even after all this time, he’s still so goddamn predictable-) _

-because it’s never been spoken about, but Roman isn’t stupid enough to not comprehend the delicate hatred of siblings caught on different sides.

He sees the same desperate,  _ terrified  _ look in Virgil's eyes that he sees in his own each morning.

It makes him sick.

He thinks, in another world, Virgil and Roman could have been excellent friends; in a world where they both hadn’t lost pieces of themselves to people they can’t stand the sight of. 

  
  


_____

  
  
  


He’s almost gotten used to Deciets presence, enough that the sight of him doesn’t make him instantly on edge, he can stand to be in the same room as the man, he can even ignore the growing restlessness in his bones, the growing urge to ruin  _ everything,  _

When Remus shows up, shows up in the green and black, the opposite to Roman; shows up with his sick fantasies and mindless words and mind games

Remus shows up, and suddenly everything feels like it’s imploding faster than he can fix.

He’s unconscious for most of the time his brother is there, he’s both relieved and horrified at the fact. Because he comes out of it, and Parton and Thomas look  _ horrified,  _ and Roman doesn’t know if it’s more at Remus, or what they now know who Roman is like. 

_ “Thank god you don’t have a mustache, Roman, or I wouldn’t know who the evil twin is.”  _

Roman knows, he  _ knows  _ that he was being a dick to Deceit, and he knows Deceit was fighting back as he did when he felt threatened, Virgil does the same thing; it’s almost amusing how similar the two were.

It would be almost amusing, if he wasn’t spending his time trying not to throw up in front of everybody. 

“ _ I thought I was your hero.” _

_ “Y…you are-!” _

Thomas tries to reassure him, but Roman knows what lies sound like, he’s heard enough of them in his life, he’s  _ said  _ enough of them. 

The ringing in his ears grows louder .

And he realises, that even in the end; Remus could be  _ so much more,  _ yet Roman will never be more than he is. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> yeehaw??? the discord server encouraged me to hurt him so it is Their fault-  
> I’ve never written Roman angst before and I’m Very tired, please be nice :’)
> 
> tumblr: @forestgreengirl!  
> sander sides discord: https://discord.gg/B2KyA5p


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